Indian Penchant for Arranged Marriages

Arranged marriages.

Such an odd word. Based on its very phraseology, it implies a mutually agreed upon contract that has been well thought out, debated and accordingly 'arranged'. Living in a world of pre-nuptial agreements and having gone through years of education regarding every possible divorce scenario- you cannot blame me to have a slightly cynical approach towards the very institution of marriage. There are romantics still, who make it sound like someone chose their ideal partner for them and acted as a necessary conduit towards the meeting of like minds. Others make it sound like the chances of age passing them by were way too high and compromise was the only option in front of them.

However you look at the situation, an arranged marriage is a sort of open eyed negotiation- where initially at least there is little scope of love. Not to say that the statistics for divorce are high in arranged marriages. Studies show that the possibility of an arranged marriage lasting is higher than that of a love marriage- due to the basic fact that in an arranged marriage you accept that your partner is flawed from the very beginning and you continually choose to spend your life with them. There is no indication of a particular reason that leads to divorce. Sufficient to say- if a marriage has to break, it will. Love. Arranged. A mix of two.

But this blog is not about divorce.

This blog is about arranged marriages.

I have already fictionalized this widely followed Indian practice HERE. In that tale I looked at the situation from a rather naive angle where the dreaded first meeting doesn't always end badly. Of course it is true that sometimes all you need to do is have an open mind. But in retrospect I look back at this two years old entry and smile in irony. Needless to say, I may explore a different reality in this blog entry.

The title comes from another short story I had written last year. The grooms’ narrative was cynical and weighed down by responsibilities and in a moment of self reflection he cursed the 'Indian penchant for arranged marriages'. Here's an extract.

"Rajveer tugged on the collar of his sherwani. He cursed whatever pundit had decided that it would be a good idea to get married in May. The blistering heat was a constant nuisance, the air conditioner proving ineffective against it. His groomsmen had locked him in this suite, teasing him about groom nerves.

He growled under his breath.

He was getting married today.

The thought struck like lightning, jolting him to the very core of his soul.

He was going to walk down the hall and exchange garlands and vows with a complete stranger. He would promise to spend the rest of his life with a woman he had met only a few times. Someone who did not stir him, did not quicken his breath or bring a smile to his face. For the hundredth time Rajveer cursed the Indian penchant for arrange marriages. "

Arrange marriage.

I suppose historically the union of two people almost always signified the union of two kingdoms. Political alliances were the key to continued survival in a time where armed violence was the norm. In such a scenario having allies was a guaranteed inflow of more troops. What better way to ensure alliances that the wedding of heirs.

In a time frame that is dominated by armed conflict, the concept of arranged marriages makes political sense.

However, why the custom still lives on, is another matter altogether.

Sociologically looking at it, it is easy to say why. Indians still consider love marriages a little bit of a taboo. Dating and relationships are still clandestine; with inter caste issues still ruling the roost. Plus, Indians marry young. Naturally, financial stability thus also makes for interesting masaledar issue. Plus we still grapple with evils such as dowry, child marriages and in some parts of the country still- sati.

Marriage is difficult enough without adding on the above problems.

Essentially, the number of Indians opting for love marriages, in our present generation also; is only a handful. Consequently, the others who want to get married look towards an arranged match. They get teased about it, even spitefully taunted; but there are people still who opt for the 'safer' choice of an arrange marriage. Even film stars opt for arrange matches. Case in point- Vivek Oberoi.

I have a friend who is a staunch criticizer of this form of marriage. She believes that placing that kind of trust in a stranger, and sharing with him your mind, body, soul and money; is a blind leap of faith. One that will only result in a crash landing. So against is she of the idea, that she would rather remain single, than opt for an arrange marriage. Another friend is against the very idea of marriage and has vowed never to walk down the barbed aisle.

I myself am not opposed to either the institution or the process. You can say that I have an open mind about the entire hoopla.

But I have a lot of real life experiences to share. And share I must.

Real couples.

Real stories.

The examples of arrange marriages are all around me.

Both my paternal and maternal grandparents had arranged marriages. Little is known to me about either of the two, but both were 'quite ok' kind of marriages with their unique share of ups and downs.

My mother is an only child and on her side of the family there is only a line of arrange marriages to trace.

My paternal grandfather had five children. Three of them had arranged marriages, one of them being my father. Two chose love unions.

In the generation comprising my cousins- all the three married cousins have had love marriages.

I've seen my parents deal with an arrange marriage. They are quite hilarious while describing the circumstances leading to their wedding. Apparently neither of them liked each other for the years they were growing up. You see, they weren't complete strangers. They moved in the same sub community circles that India is quite so famous for. Anyway- my dad claims that his mother, who died shortly before my parents wedding, spoke highly of my mother. Apparently, my father eventually saw her way of things and agreed to wed my mom. My mother claims- she had been told by some pandit that the time was right and she felt like she knew enough about my father for him to be a known devil, as opposed to unknown angel.

Suffice to say, they agreed to the match. They were married in a month.

This June they celebrate 25 years together. Touchwood.

There are other examples around me. A friend’s sister got married last year. She had tried the love marriage route. Parents were introduced, finances were spoken of and living situation extensively discussed. Things didn't quite work out.

Doesn't that sound like an arranged marriage?

She was depressed for a while and agreed to her parents looking for a suitable boy. Four meetings and a matrimonial website later, she found the man for herself. Today she glows with the very light of bliss.

Another friend belonged to an orthodox, closely knit community where inter caste chodo- inter community marriages were not allowed. She was an engineer- the Indian equivalent to perfectly employed- and was ready to settle down. But the choices in front of her were poles opposite to what she wanted. Eventually she picked someone with average looks but having his own house in the city which was not inhabited by his parents. She picked stable income and independence from in laws over whatever else she sacrificed on.

Surprisingly, the men of my family, all extended cousins of my generation have all opted for love marriages. While my female cousins remain bound by the chains of an arrange union.

All female cousins but one- who staunchly denied every proposal in front of her, until she herself found someone who she liked enough to arrange a match with.

That’s the new Indian formula. Love/arrange marriage.

In short, as Carrie Bradshaw says; 'There are all kinds of marriages'.

This blog is about marriage- not divorce. Yes.
But the two have become inter connected.

What is my eventual conclusion?

The marriage market is tricky. It’s a scary place to be in and yet thousands of people deal with it every day.

Being a lawyer allows me to know how marriages grow sour. I've studied grounds for divorce that encompass a range, are innovative as well as mundane. But I still don’t understand the mysterious bonds that hold a marriage together.

I had written an article for the Family Court of Bombay journal two years back. It ended like this;

“Along with divorce by mutual consent, the emerging trend of matrimonial relations in the 21st century comprises of new grounds for divorce that are a result of changed perception of society. Sexual Incompatibility, irretrievable breakdown of marriage and addiction to social networking websites are just some of the factors being recognized by the court of law as grounds for divorce. Although the judicial machinery is recognizing these grounds, divorce still is a serious issue that needs to be studied further to understand the mystical question of 'what leads to the breakdown of marriage'.

Marriage ends when two people want it to end.

And marriage continues until two people want it to continue.

Arrange ho. Ya love ho.

haina?

Some interesting male perspectives.
Click Here Someone with a plan; Click Here Chronicles of a woman; Click Here